Failure is Not the F-word You Think It Is!

Author’s Note: This post is more personal than usual. It’s a story of disappointment, discovery, and determination—and how one imperfect performance became a turning point. I hope it resonates with your own journey.

What happens when your body falters, your mind fogs, and your dreams disappear? This is the story of a ballroom dancer, sleepless nights, and a comeback that didn’t bounce back to before:  it bounced forward to more.

After years of dancing and months of intensive training, I competed in Prague – on an injured and arthritic knee that complained vehemently along with a sleep deprived mind that refused to rest.  The immediate problem was jet lag that morphed into two and a half days of sleep deprivation.  The event was an international ballroom dance competition.

The dream was to relive an achievement of the past and take highest honors in a 9-dance competition.  In the end, my expectations of spectacular dancing, my big dreams, were not to be.  I finished, but not in the running.

Overall, my dancing was subpar:  I stumbled through steps I’d mastered, shifted my weight to prevent knee buckling, and felt my stamina fizzle to weakness.   But, as I would recognize later, there were also bursts of energy and moments of dance flow that connected space, sound, and senses.

Small or large, when reality doesn’t match our dreams, F-words usually come up.  It’s easy – and quite common – to fall into the negative thoughts of frustration, failure, flawed and the worst of these — fatal, finished, final, forever.

With below par performance in any realm of life, these judgments rise up to create psychological distress, a heartache with real emotional pain, anxiety, and mental anguish.  And don’t beat yourself (or others) up if you have gone down this path.  Called the negativity bias, this is our biological programming trying to keep us safe and warning us not to face this threat again.

I could have stayed on this path.  But I was fortunate.  That’s not what happened.

Messengers and messages helped me bounce back and taught me actionable, move the needle strategies.

First, I debriefed with my partner-coach about the causes and results. Pain was distracting and off-balancing, and trying to avoid it made those even worse. And that resulted in moments of poor technique. Then, he added praise for my persistence and resilience. Clear feedback and positives helped me catch a glimpse of fixables.

Second, my curious mind was peaked. Did sleep loss have anything to do with the debilitating pain I experienced? The research was astonishing. We all know that sleep is restorative. What I didn’t know is that without it, pain is increased exponentially! One UC Berkeley study found a 120% increase in the brain’s pain processing center along with a 60 – 90% decrease in natural pain dampening functions. And, of course, Prague wasn’t just one incident: it was a vicious cycle where pain disrupted sleep and sleeplessness upped the pain.

Then, my memory kicked in about setbacks. I recalled a favorite quote from an athlete I admire, Michael Jordan:

If he could use his much more dramatic and public setbacks to improve, then so could I!

With that thought came a memory flash of something I had said long ago to a fellow dancer.  He was the picture of calm and an excellent dancer.  So, I was taken back when he described the debilitating, quaking nerves that he experienced on the competition floor.  (I felt as if he’d seen my inner turmoil!)  Without hesitation, I shared a mantra that I repeated over and over as my quivering legs walked onto the floor: “Just one good step — that’s all I’m going for in this dance. Just one good step.”

Whether amateur or pro, athlete, student, teacher, parent, employee, or employer, our below par moments and accompanying F-judgments are painful to say the least. And we don’t lack for advice about how to get through them. You’ve undoubtedly heard …

“This is a setback, not a stop sign.” 

“One step at a time.” 

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

The what to do is clear. The how – not so much.

Here’s the key: setbacks are definitely not comfortable. But comebacks need to be! Positivity heals.

Flourishing again is possible. It’s a matter of moving — bouncing if you will – from the negative realities of the past to positive possibilities in the future. It’s a forward process. The psychological strength for this process is called resilience and it’s a learnable, doable, achievable skill.

Resilience is recovering after difficulties hit. The methods are shifts that change emotions and thoughts. The combination initiates new dreams, goals, and actions. And the results are impressive and far reaching: growth, well-being, and strength in virtually any environment!

Resilience may sound like another mountain to climb, but it’s not! What I learned and wish to share is a simple process: change your F-words and focus on questions that get all of your psychological wheels turning. It’s a bounce forward strategy that feels as good in the going as it does in the arriving!

Have you had a “Prague moment”?   Did you just live with it, get over it, move on, or bounce forward?  Growing into more is not just possible; it’s a learnable practice!

Ironically, 6 new F-words start the bounce forward process:  facts. feedback, fortune, fulfillment, future, and forward.  Coupled with mind moving questions, these thought topics work on the distress of setbacks.  How?  By moving your thinking from judgment to possibilities.

Here are the F-words, questions, and points to emphasize as you consider them.  The order is the logic that worked for me after Prague, but your order could be different and equally successful.  In fact, I’ve used these techniques in my coaching work, starting with the individual’s immediate stressor.  Moreover, I’ve also found that you don’t need all of these:  you just need enough to bounce forward!  So, start with the easiest and use the topics that bring on the possibilities.

1. Facts – What caused this situation?

• • Find information. Focus on the why’s, the causes, for the setback.
  • Don’t dwell on what happened, how terrible you felt, or personal judgments.
  • Learn what the experts know about how similar situations happen.

2. Feedback – What empowered me?

• • Seek others perspectives; when there’s applause, listen
  • Re-establish the balance and hope you’ve lost.
  • Recognize your strengths.

3. Fortune – What can I learn from this?

• • See mistakes as guard rails or signposts pointing out the pot holes or even cliffs you don’t want to go over again!
  • Note where your methods, habits, or decisions could be improved.

4. Fulfillment – What good things came out of it?

• • Think about the times – small though they may be – of enjoyment.
  • Identify any part where you got it right or even just better than the misstep.
  • Recall the places, sights, and sharing that were treasures.

5. Future – What new dream can I go for?

• • Imagine better outcomes. Replace mishaps with uplifting possibilities.
  • Time travel. Shift your thinking from the past to the future, from mishap that’s done to possibilities yet to come.
  • Set new targets that you’d really love to experience.

6. Forward – What actions can I take now?

• • Don’t overfocus on the destination of your target or dream.
  • Identify real steps – real doables — that you will take to continue your living journey.
  • Think of your dream as a voyage in motion, your chosen heading … for now.